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The other day, I had a really painful thing happen to me (though I know it was something that was in me the entire time).  I went clubbing, which is something I normally don’t do.  Had a blast actually, since I really do enjoy dancing, though I never considered myself a dancer.  It’s just tons to fun to express myself without caring about anyone.  My only problem was these 2 girls who were giving me these not-so-subtle signals.  For a while I couldn’t care less about these girls, and I flat out ignored them, but they just keep being around me.  I really didn’t want to meet any girls since I went clubbing purely to dance, and nothing more.

So these girls were doing everything to get my attention, like bumping into me, following me, dancing right next to me, or whatever, and after like 2 hours of ignoring them, I thought, “Ok, let’s see what these girls are about.”  So I asked them if they were having a good time, and they gave me the cold shoulder.  Not even a mere acknowledgement of my presence, not even any eye contact.  In fact, it was so rude I couldn’t help but want to smack them.  It turns out they were doing this merely to get my attention.  They clearly had no intention of even talking as they were messing around with me prior to their boyfriends showing up.  So, instantly, I felt a huge run of pain surge through my stomach.

Now, I really didn’t care about meeting these girls, but this pain was real tense.  The rest of the night I couldn’t think straight.  I had constant thoughts of anger and rage.  All sorts of bitterness was on my mind.  I wasn’t aware of why I took this so personally, until the next day when I was releasing on it.  This pain had nothing to do with them.  Basically, they triggered some really painful feelings of rejection from when I was in high school.  Their disrespect instantly brought out a hidden 14 year old pain where a girl I liked was messing around with my mind!

Fortunately, I was very lucky to have my release partner online in the morning, so I was able to make considerable progress.  Much of the pain is gone, but there is still some leftovers that need to be cleared.

I have a lot of issues that need to be cleared around women, as I have suddenly become a lot more critical towards them.  I am almost tempted to think that all women who go clubbing are just like them, or that they would be a complete waste of my time.  All of these, I realize, are just symptoms of my bitterness.

So I’m tired of living like a victim.  Having experienced emotional turmoil, overwhelming rejection, heartbreak and all sorts of other BS in recent months, I am determined to be a winner (with regards to mastering my emotions).  And I am tired of constantly living in fear, worry, and financial poverty.  Doing work that I don’t enjoy doesn’t make things any better.  Not having insurance, nor having even enough to pay my rent in a week really complicates things even more.  Two months ago, my ex broke up with me, my health has somewhat deteriorated (since I’m not exactly eating right), I’m in $12,000 debt, and I’m barely making ends meet.  In other words, my situation has forced me to do a lot of letting go, which is probably a very good thing.

So I am going to do WHATEVER it takes to go free.  If there’s any one thing I value more than anything else, it’s freedom!  I don’t need any more emotional BS dictating my life.  I am ABSOLUTELY determined to release everything that gets in my way of real lasting emotional freedom.  I don’t care how long it may take me, but I’m going free!

So, today I met my ex-girlfriend.  I haven’t seen her in nearly 7 weeks and I am amazed by how free I am about the breakup.  There are a few small emotions that show up here but there is absolutely no heartache between us.

Lots of people discouraged me from meeting her, but it would only make sense if she and I still had attachments and such.

The big difference is that most couples who break up don’t resolve their issues.  They just suppress or ‘run away’ from each other (so as to avoid feeling the pain, which is just another form of suppression).  So we both spent time resolving any emotional turmoil between us and the result is that we were able to meet quite comfortably.  Now we are actual friends.  No joke.

As I mentioned earlier, I still have some residue, but it’s mostly some weird nagging feelings.  It doesn’t feel like emotional turmoil or anything even close to that.  Fortunately, she helped me release on some of it, so some of the naggingness is gone.

It’s just a matter of releasing the last few bits before I’m completely free.  I’d say I’m like 95% released on it.

This, to me, is absolute proof that any emotional turmoil is no obstacle.  The breakup 7 weeks ago was the most painful thing I ever encountered and I managed to heal nearly all of it in a VERY short period of time.

So how did I do it? I used The Release Technique.  I HIGHLY recommend this.

Perhaps this is obvious to some people, but it wasn’t so obvious to me.  Several months ago, I asked someone (who I would consider an ‘unofficial mentor’) about how I could go about improving my Korean using some mind-related techniques.  He responded in this manner:

First Mistake: You think of Korean as a language. STOP! Stop thinking of Korean as a language. It is a culture, a people, a way to think, a way to act and react.

Here is an exercise for you. Find a religious leader; a priest, a monk, whatever is common to the Korean people. Ask him to explain what it is to be Korean? What is the HEART of it? The language becomes secondary. FEEL IT. I suggest a religious leader because these are people that deal with the real thing. NOT a psychology, but a real experience. The one thing I noticed when you were in the seminar. Your partner (i.e. now my ex) is Korean. What I mean is she IS Korean. She is not disassociated with where she is from. Even though you go through all the steps, actions, etc.,  you are NOT Korean. To embrace this deeper wisdom and appreciate it, you must be open to it and want it.

This statement was huge for me.  I just re-read it a moment ago and felt the need to share it with others who ‘struggle’ with language learning.  I had a MUCH more enjoyable time learning Chinese than I did with Korean.  Why?  Because I was fascinated with Chinese culture and all things Chinese, whereas I am very resistant to being Korean.  If I were to learn a foreign language like Hawaiian, I know I would enjoy learning everything about what it means to be Hawaiian, yet with Korean, I’m not so interested.  So, it is so clear to me that my spoken Korean will not improve until I begin to embrace being Korean.  Now that I think of it, of the times I was in China, I remember carefully mimicing Chinese mannerisms and it was quite automatic!  Yet this is something I haven’t done as much here in Korea.  To make matters more interesting, I am quite critical of many ‘Korean’ things.  So now the question is, “What am I doing (inside my mind) to resist being Korean?” or perhaps, “What am I avoiding by resisting being Korean?”

Now that’s something for me to think about.

And currently, I have not actually done the above exercise, but I will get to it.

Ok.  Some cool stuff happened today as a result of releasing:

1)  I found some great teaching resources.  Today I had a terrible time teaching my students, and the end result was my determination to teach better.  So I went over to a bookstore and stumbled upon some great teaching resources.  I’ve been to the bookstore several times but I just didn’t notice those books until today.  It’s almost as if the books were hiding in plain sight!  There was literally no struggle involved with looking for them.  It’s like they were calling out to me.

2)  I am now able to attend a TPRS workshop!  Over the past few years, I’ve done research on all sorts of teaching methods, and I currently think TPRS is the best approach towards language teaching (though I do think there is something better).  For a long time, I’ve been wanting to go back to the States just to attend a weekend workshop on this fast and seemingly effortless approach towards natural fluency.  And I recall frequently writing down how I would like to attend such a seminar, well just a moment ago, I found out I could attend one!  And it would only be like 20 mins away from my house by bus!  How does it get any better than this!? :)

Several days ago, I released on this very topic, as I’ve been so ‘jaded’ by my inability to implement this method.  Now, it just seems as if the answers came to me without me trying to do anything!  That’s not to say I didn’t do a simple search on google, because that’s essentially all I did!  It’s funny how the things I’m looking for suddenly become available to me.

Having said that, I now ask myself, “What else is possible (via releasing)?” Does it get any better?  Can I let go and find out?

It seems my life is changing for the better the more I release.  I am releasing negativity far more consistently now that I have someone keeping me accountable.  Actually, I now have a 2nd release partner who I met earlier today.  So how does it get any better than this?

3)  Ah, before I forget:  Today, I also released on the weather..  I am not sure if I really believe whether or not releasing works on it, but it was raining real hard after I got on a bus.  Before I got out, it suddenly stopped.  So I went into a bookstore to look for some books and as I walked out, it looked like it poured again.  Am I thinking too much or is there an actual connection between releasing and the fact that I didn’t get rained on at all?  Can’t know for sure, but I know for a fact that I didn’t get rained on which is what really matters anyway

Today, I was fortunate enough to spend time releasing on something that was a problem for me for quite some time:  Teaching kids.

With the help of my release partner, I let go of a lot of the stress about this, I’ve become a lot more relaxed about what to do and a few hours ago, something hit me:  I was talking to a new guy I met today, and as we talked, I recalled a blog of a guy who learned Japanese by memorizing 10,000 phrases.  That’s 13-14 phrases a day for 2 years, and then I suddenly got this interesting idea:  If I just teach them 13 phrases for each class in a fun and interesting way with lots of repetition, I don’t see why they wouldn’t be able to eventually speak with greater fluency provided that they can say the phrases effortlessly/automatically.

I think there’s something to this method though many would probably frown upon the approach.  Basically, I’ve come to conclude that comprehensible input (via listening/reading), repetition, and fun are key elements for easy language learning.  Now the big question is:  How could I implement these ideas into my class tomorrow?  I don’t have the answer(s), but I now have a general direction that I’m heading towards.  Normally, I would have been stressed about all this, but this time, I’m inspired!  Something is different!  I’m feeling tremendously more optimistic about teaching my kids.  Gotta thank my release partner for the assistance

Business

In other interesting news, a new person I met today shared a business idea that he has, and now I’m seriously considering being a business partner.  Initially, I felt resistant towards him since the business idea seemed like it wouldn’t work.  But as we talked, I opened up to him when he mentioned about how serious he was about running a business, as I knew that the idea is not as important as the person running the business. 

Having ‘failed’ in network marketing in the past, I am fully aware of the psychological changes that are necessary for building a business.  Ultimately, the failure has led me to see what it takes to run a successful business.  So, as we talked, he demonstrated that he’s got the business mindset.  Moreover, I told him that if I were to work with him and his friend, the three of us would have to educate ourselves by reading books on wealth, and release quite a bit on business/money related beliefs.  To my surprise, he is very open to all of it.  This, to me, is a very good sign.  It indicates that personal growth is important to him.  I suspect releasing would do wonders for us.

Additionally, I’ve been looking for people just like him.  The thought of doing business with like-minded people has been on my mind quite a while back, so it’s interesting to see where this goes.  I’m going to challenge him and his friend to examine all his thoughts on money and business.  If they are unwilling to change, then I’m sure I don’t want to do business with them.  Perhaps my challenge to them is a little extreme on my part, but why would anyone want to do business with people who will unconsciously sabotage a business?  Hence, the importance of discerning whether this is a worthy venture or not.

And this idea reminds me of…

Marriage and relationships

It’s been over 6 weeks since Mihee and I broke up.  Now I see why it happened.  I compromised some of my own values, which I shouldn’t have done in the first place.  I certainly adapted as best I could, but in the end, I violated my own values and nearly compromised my integrity.  There was no question that she and I had a great relationship, it’s just that we were heading in different directions, and no matter how much I tried to keep things together, we just didn’t match as well as I thought we would.  She would only adapt so much… and that’s perfectly okay.  I am over it, and grateful for all the things I’ve learned from it

This time I will maintain a high standard, and will not compromise.  Just as I wouldn’t want to be a business partner with someone who is unwilling to keep growing and changing, I am not going to date/marry a gorgeous woman who is unwilling to constantly grow and change for the better.  It just won’t happen.  A pretty face alone isn’t good enough.

One thing that I almost compromised was my virginity.  I am quite glad that I maintained it as I’m looking forward to offering it as a gift on my wedding night.  This is very important to me so there is NO compromise.  I’m sure the woman I marry would appreciate knowing that I chose to save it for her.  Many say that the sex isn’t that great the first time, but that doesn’t bother me in the least.  And whether my future wife is or isn’t a virgin matters little to me.  I will accept her either way.  What really matters more is what I do.

I particularly love what the Catholic Church teaches about love and sexuality.  Many people criticize the Church not knowing that it has such a beautiful perspective on sexuality which defends the integrity of women and married life.  When I first heard about the Church’s stance on contraception, I thought it was ridiculous, but once I found out the reasons, I felt so inspired to maintain my virginity and turn Catholic.  The Church has such a positive view on married life that I couldn’t help but be in awe.

I recall listening to a talk where the speaker said that one of the primary purposes of married men is to help their wives enter heaven (and vice versa for women).  Sounds a bit romantic if you ask me, and I think it’s no surprise that romance and the Roman Catholic Church have the word ‘roman’ in common.  Even genuflecting is as Roman(tic) as you can get.  And ever since I started liking girls, I often wanted to be a bit romantic, as I know girls love it. :)

Speaking of girls, there are plenty of attractive girls everywhere, but many of them aren’t exactly the type of girl I’m looking for.  There are several girls that I could probably be happy with, but there is one that I prefer more than any other. 

I’ve been thinking about her nearly everyday for quite some time now.  For a while I thought perhaps this is just an attachment, which it sorta was, but now I do not deny the fact that…

I like someone…

… and I’m happy about it! 

What attracted me to her was the fact that she values something that is extremely important to me.  When she mentioned it, I was completely surprised.  I think I’m either going crazy over this girl, or I’m losing my mind.  I suppose it’s a little bit of both, and I don’t mind either:  My mind often tricks me anyway, and I enjoy daydreaming about her, like thinking of all the unique date places I’d like to take her to if she lived close to me. ;)

To make things more interesting:  Earlier last month, I specifically wrote down several qualities that I was looking for in a woman, and to me, she meets ALL of them so well that I wonder if she read my notebook!  This is certainly really weird because I did virtually nothing to cause this to happen.  I never had to call anyone, be set up, go to a club/bar, or whatever.  I didn’t even spend time releasing on it.  It required no effort at all.  Certainly very odd.

And I get the feeling that she may read this sooner or later, which is why I am purposely avoiding some specifics, like that really important value of mine.  If I revealed it, she would instantly know I am referring to her which kinda defeats the purpose of this part of my blog entry.  I am not sure if she is interested in me, since I tend to have a tough time reading signals, but if she is, then I know she would read all of this! ^_^

And leaving some of these details out allows me to reveal how I feel about her without her knowing for sure that I am talking about her.  It’s like hiding a secret out in the open LOL!  It’s not that I’m afraid of telling her.  It’s so easy to just tell her now, but a little bit of suspense makes this is a lot more fun

In due time, I will tell her directly.  And it’s perfectly okay if she is not interested in me.  I’m just excited about being attracted to a new girl and directly telling her that I am genuinely attracted to her.  Perhaps she will be the first to respond positively! ^_^